Need advice? Ask Marjean!

Dear Marjean,

People tell me that one side of my head is bigger that the other. I was thinking about getting a new hair style to help camouflage the difference. Any suggestions?

Not quite the elephant man



Dear El,
Bless your heart. My Uncle Earl had the same condition, and it just gave him fits, especially in windy weather. Believe you me, no new hairstyle is going to disguise your misshapen noggin.

I happen to have a home remedy that may give you some relief, if you follow it to the letter.

1. Completely shave your head. I know, I know, it sounds extreme, but trust me.
2. Before you retire for the evening, make a poultice of the hair you just shaved, a quart of low-fat cottage cheese, and one 12-ounce bottle of wood glue.
3. Cover the SMALL side of your head with the poultice., shaping it to fit your head like a cap.
4. In the morning, the poultice will have hardened, and now the 2 sides of your head should be the same size.

Good luck, sloshy head. Let me know how it goes.

Dear Marjean:

I desperately need your advice! Recently our company announced that it was being purchased by a Much Larger National Insurance Conglomerate. Many of the staff here feel the end is near, and some have actually started carrying "The End Is Near" signs, wearing sackcloth and tearing at their hair. People break into tears for no reason. It has made for a very uncomfortable (not to mention an unfashionable) work environment. Any ideas how to deal tastefully with this?

Signed, Not Into Sackcloth

Dear Sack,

I feel your pain. As a recent employment amputee, I can relate to the sad goings-on in America's cubicles. While my first inclination is to be real compassionate-like, it gets a little old when someone comes in a-cryin' and a-carryin' on and snottin' up every Kleenex you got. Plus, sackcloth makes EVERYBODY's butt look big, so here's what I want you to do:

The next time someone starts all that "woe is me" stuff, just bust out in your best baritone voice a line or two from "Always Look On The Sunny Side of Life". Then the next time, sing a bit more. And more and more until they start leaving you alone, or they start paying you for your singing. That way, you've killed two birds with one stone. You've gotten rid of the people who are botherin' you, and you've started a new career in music.

Take care, bless your heart, and let me know how it goes.

Dear Marjean,

I need your help about an issue I have at work. I have recently accepted a position in another department. While I am excited about my new job, I really miss some of the people I used to work with. During the day, I find myself calling them up and asking them to do things for me, like updating their time trackers or putting together a SWOT analysis or filing down my toenails.

Do you think that's normal?

Staffless in Seattle


Dear Staffless,

Darlin', you're barkin' up the wrong tree askin' what's normal. I wouldn't know normal if it stood on its hind legs and bit me. But what you're describing sounds an awful lot like someone with Inappropriate Boundary Syndrome. Chances are you find value in your relationships, and feel the need for the attention you're missing now that you've moved on to another job. So, to recreate this attention, you stalk these poor people and demand their attention by assigning meaningless work. Honey, you need to let go. A great country singer once said, "If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it was your dog after all." So stop pullin' that dog's tail and get busy botherin' some new people.



Dear Marjean,

Do you know how to get blood stains out of a linen tablecloth?

Messy


Dear Messy,

Sugar, I think the bigger problem is how the blood stains got there in the first place. Call me crazy, but if a family gathering ends in bloodshed, then I think there's a need for some family counselin'. Put away the cutlery and sit your family down for a chat. Make some banana puddin' and a pot of coffee. Real, Southern banana puddin' has a way of helping people release any pent-up negative feelings. It's kind of like an emotional enema. And take it from me, you'll be amazed at the healin' that can take place. Best of luck.